


After All This Time

by TheMuchTooMerryMaiden



Category: Lewis (TV)
Genre: Community: lewis_challenge, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Time Travel, trope bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 10:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6607519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMuchTooMerryMaiden/pseuds/TheMuchTooMerryMaiden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James has been keeping secrets, some more obvious than others...</p>
            </blockquote>





	After All This Time

**Author's Note:**

> I've managed two out of the three tropes I was given, Time Travel and Hurt/Comfort

**Thirty years ago – age 7 – The First Time**

**James wasn’t allowed in the front parlour. No one was allowed in there, it was ‘kept for best’. James wasn’t sure who or what or when ‘best’ was but he did know the rules, he wasn’t allowed in there. Naturally he was consumed with curiosity as to what was in there and why no one went in there, after all, it couldn’t possibly hurt if he just opened the door and had a quick look. He’d been thinking about it for weeks when he saw his chance and took it.**

**His first thought was that he didn’t know what the fuss was about it was just a room and it smelled slightly funny. Then he looked more carefully and saw the display cabinet. It was beautiful, polished and shining and full of brightly coloured … things. It looked like a shop, a shop full of wonderful things.**

**James tiptoed over to it, hardly even breathing as he looked at all the things in it. There was the Holy Mother, and over there was a tiny little figure of the baby Jesus, and the more he looked the more wonders he could see, little jugs and cups with brightly coloured symbols on them, little porcelain figures of animals, even a little house.**

**He really wasn’t going to touch any of it, it was too special for that, but his breath was misting up the glass in the doors of the cabinet and he wanted to wipe the condensation away so that he could see more clearly and somehow he misjudged it and before he knew it the glass was cracked and it took everything he had not to throw up.**

**What was he going to do? He should never have come in here! His father was going to be angry and worse than that his mother might cry. If he could just go back in time to before he came in here.**

**Suddenly he was at the top of the stairs, watching himself go into the front parlour, except it was like he was almost see-through. James waited at the top of the stairs to see himself come out of the room but he never did. His mother found him asleep at the top of the stairs in the morning and scolded him. It was weeks before he again dared to creep into the front parlour again. He stood as far away from the cabinet as he could manage but even from across the room he can see the glass in the cabinet doors was intact. Must have been a dream he thinks, but he never goes near the cabinet again, not until he hears his mother cry out one day and goes into the room to see the glass cracked exactly as it was that morning.**

 

“I’m sorry,” James said, “I shouldn’t have been so stupid.”

Robbie, sat on the dusty floor, jerked his head back into the wall in exasperation,

“It’s not your bloody fault, you idiot! You might as well say I was stupid for getting stuck in here,” James felt himself bristle just a little bit at this even though he knew that was what Robbie had intended, “Sit down and calm down, we’d both of us be better thinking logically and carefully how we were going to get out of this, than wasting time apologising for things that _aren’t our fault!_ ” James stopped pacing and slid down the opposite wall from Robbie letting his head slump so that it was almost between his knees. Robbie nodded in satisfaction, “That’s better, now, was there anyone there when you took the call?”

It took James a few seconds to look up, a few seconds that he knew would have told Robbie the answer to his question as clearly as a straightforward no would have done.

“Well, that’s unfortunate, but it still doesn’t mean that people won’t be looking for us.”

“I’d feel more confident if it was still Innocent in charge,” James replied,

“You and me both, ‘Joe’,” James could hear the air quotes, “doesn’t have quite her focus, but there’s Lizzie, she’s no idiot, she’ll set people looking for us,”

James nodded in reply, carefully not saying that was all well and good but if all she had was a random search then it could take forever to find them.

“As it is,” Robbie continued, “it could be much worse, it’s warm-ish and so far at least all they’ve done is stick us in here.”

James tried hard to be reassured, but for all his trying he couldn’t come up with a reason for them both being lured here that was in any way not bloody awful, but he had to say something even if it was only to keep Robbie’s spirits up,

“I don’t know about warmish,” he replied, “I might allow just off cold at best!”

“Well, get over here then,” Robbie said, “and we can conserve body heat!”

James wasn’t sure whether that was a serious instruction or not but he scooted over to Robbie anyway. Although he would never admit it he was actually scared about what might happen to the two of them. Best case was that they were left there and eventually they were found, although if that was what whoever it was had in mind it seemed a bit stupid; the worst case didn’t bear thinking about. When he was sat next to Robbie, their arms brushing against one another, he felt better, he always did, and he’d long ago stopped trying to make sense of that or any of his other feelings when it came to Robbie. He slightly wondered if Robbie felt better for them being close, but that was a path he’d learned to steer his thoughts away from years ago. That only led to having to steer his thoughts away from the other thing. From the fact that he could do something about this or at least he could try to, and there was the problem; it so seldom worked in the way he wanted it to. He needed very much not to think about it and talking seemed to be the way,

“We need to start thinking of a way out of here,” he began hoping that Robbie would follow his lead, if for no other reason than a distraction.

“That’s the thing,” Robbie replied, “I’ve been trying to get out of here for some time and it seems fairly hopeless, I’m afraid.”

James hated the defeated sound in Robbie’s voice, it made him ask the question that he should perhaps have asked when he was first shoved into the small, dusty room,

“How long were you here before I got here?”

“It’s hard to say,” Robbie began, “No watch and no phone, me being on leave, but feels like hours. Probably thirty minutes,” he finished with an attempt at a grin.

“Well, longer than that,” James replied with an answering smile, “it took me that long to get here.”

“Did you get a look at any of them?” Robbie asked. 

James scooted infinitesimally closer to Robbie,

“Not so much as a glance, sorry. When I got to the door someone was hiding in the porch and whacked me one, next thing I know I’m in here with you.”

Robbie sighed,

“You’d best let me look at where they hit you, I don’t want you going off with concussion.”

It was on the tip of James’ tongue to ask Robbie how exactly, in their situation he was going to stop James going off with concussion, but quickly he saw the question for what it was and moved slightly so that Robbie could see the back of his head,

“I’m fairly sure I’m OK,” James said although he couldn’t help wincing slightly when Robbie gently probing at his hair managed to catch the point of contact,

“Sorry, lad,” he said but continued to gently prod at James’ skull for a moment longer, “Well, nothing seems to be squishy, probably a good sign. You’ve let your hair get long, well long for you, haven’t you? Just lean forward slightly, no I reckon you’re OK.”

James was about to move back when he felt the brief but unmistakeable brush of lips on the nape of his neck. It was over almost before he could be sure it had happened, but some part of him, the part that was making him burn up was very sure. The other thing he was very sure of was that he had no clue what to say or whether to say anything at all. After a second that felt like a week he pushed himself back so that again he was sitting next to Robbie with his head against the dusty planking of the wall,

“Well, that’s good to know, it’s always better if one’s brains aren’t leaking out everywhere, much less messy if nothing else.”

“Aye,” Robbie agreed, although it seemed to James that he’d missed a beat, like he’d been waiting for James to say something else, “you might just end up with the brain power of one of us lesser mortals. Anyway, there’s no way to get any purchase on the door and as you can see a window that’s no window at all.” James nodded in agreement, it was a narrow slit of a thing that just let in enough light to make the room they were in dingy. The room seemed to be right up under the eaves of the house, so that the top of the door was flush with the sloping ceiling. 

“Have you checked the walls?” James asked,

“Not completely,” Robbie answered, “I was just getting to that when you arrived, “we could split the task, you go left and I’ll go right and if we don’t find anything then we’ll meet in the middle.”

“It’s not like we’ve got anything else to do,” which James mused as he got up, but the place where Robbie’s lips had touched his neck still felt like it was burning and he could think of a hundred things they could do. 

 

**Nine Years ago – age 28**

**It was truly hard not to just make things right for him. He could do it, he had that much control if he chose to use it, or at least he would have if he did a bit of practice first. The problem was that he wasn’t sure if he actually could make things right. That almost never worked. He could count on the fingers of one hand the number of time when he’d actually improved things by using his … talent. By far more often he achieved nothing, things still happened no matter what he did, and occasionally he made things much, much worse. Still it was a temptation. It would be easy, he knew when and he knew where and that was more than half the battle. He could just get in her way. Make her a few minutes later or be at the kerbside ready to yank her back like he’d done for him at the airport. What would happen he wondered. He’d never tried to go back that far, usually it had been a matter of minutes, he thought he could, but what would happen to now? It was a wrong thing, so many people had told him that over the years, it was wrong that he could do this thing. No, he thought, it’s happened I can’t go around changing that, it’s in the past, no one should be able to do what I can do. I’ll just have to support him as best I can in the here and now. But a small part of him wondered if it was cowardice or even worse just pure selfishness.**

 

They did meet up at the other side of the room without either of them finding anything that looked like a way to get out. James’ half of the room had the door in it, but after a short amount of time he had to agree with Robbie’s assessment of the situation; while it was theoretically the weak point of the room it had been hung in such a way that it offered nothing for them to work at. In frustration James kicked it.

“I tried that,” Robbie said over his shoulder, “didn’t seem to make any impression on it. Somebody is or was an amazingly good carpenter.”

James opened his mouth to say something about the degree of preparation that appeared to have been made for this whole situation and then bit the comment back; this much preparation could not possibly be a good thing if you were the person or persons trapped. It wasn’t as though Robbie wouldn’t have reached the same conclusion but James was just superstitious enough not to want to say it out loud.

They didn’t move back to where they’d been, by unspoken agreement they just turned and sat down leaning on the opposite wall. For the life in him James couldn’t come up with anything to say that didn’t boil down to ‘we’re doomed’. It was costing him a lot just to sit still, his skin was burning like someone had dipped him in boiling water but he didn’t want to move away from Robbie, in the end he couldn’t help himself and his leg began to twitch like it had done when he was much younger and nervous about something. Robbie shifted slightly and James thought it was so that he could look at him.

“Sorry,” James said and stopped the movement,

“What are you apologising for?” Robbie asked, “I can’t believe neither of us is having hysterics.” There was a long pause and James tried to come up with something useful or cheering or funny to say but couldn’t. Robbie spoke again, “This really isn’t good, is it? I mean, at the moment we’ve just been left here, and that’s OK, but it must have been targeted, right?”

Just the sound of Robbie’s voice calmed James a little bit so that he could speak with a reasonably steady voice,

“Yeah, it was definitely us they wanted, and I can’t think how that can be a good thing. Can’t really think who we’ve upset enough for this to be worthwhile either though, can you?”

“Well, not that we’ve upset and is still ‘at large’ as they say,” Robbie replied

“Mind you, people get out quite early sometimes, could be anybody really, or just a passing maniac, it’s not like either of us saw anyone. The only thing we sort of know is where this is.”

“Sort of know?” Robbie asked, 

“Yeah, sort of know, I mean I know where I went, but then I got knocked on the head, I suppose I could have been carried off while I was groggy. I don’t think it could have been far, but I might not be where I think I am.”

“Fair point,” Robbie agreed, “so not very far from…”

“Yanton.” James replied, 

“So we’re out in the wilds, most likely, that would account for why I couldn’t hear any traffic noises or anything else really.” Robbie continued, “Not a lot of point trying to make enough noise to attract attention either?”

“Not if we are where I went to, we’re up a little lane, like a farm track, but I didn’t see any animals, so there’s not going to be the milk tanker turning up. It was quite overgrown, not many people in the last twelve months had driven it.” James thought for a little longer, “my car should still be outside, but they’ve taken my keys, so I suppose they could have driven it anywhere and abandoned it.”

“Was mine out there?” Robbie asked,

“Not that I saw, I should have realised that something was up, but I just thought I’d taken a wrong turning, I was really only asking for directions, or so I thought.” The desire to apologise again made it difficult for James to carry on speaking and Robbie seemed to know,

“It’s really not your fault, you know, why would you think anything about it?”

James took the time to think about that,

“Because why wouldn’t you have rung yourself? He said it was just your car, but in that case why would you not have just rung me yourself, I should have realised then.”

“You mean like I should have realised that if you’d wanted me to come and look at something to do with a case I’d have heard it from you or Lizzie not from some anonymous bloke?” Robbie paused and then continued, “Truth to tell we’ve both of us responded to similar calls loads of times when it wasn’t some sort of trap, we either accept that neither of us did anything wrong or both of us did. Neither of us did works better for me, what about you?”

James smiled,

“OK. I’ll do my best if you will.”

“I will,” Robbie replied with an answering smile that made James feel subtly better about everything, then he continued, “what we need to do is what we’re good at, we need to investigate.”

It was on the tip of James’ tongue to say something about theorising ahead of facts but when he took a moment to think about it he realised that it couldn’t do any harm and might do some good, any information they could work out could only possibly help,

“We don’t have much to go on,” he began but Robbie interrupted,

“No, but we don’t have nothing. First off, what did he sound like, the guy you talked to?”

James thought about it for a moment, “Educated, I mean pretty RP, the sort of accent that rich people think is classless, you know what I mean? What about the bloke who rang you?”

“The same,” Robbie replied, “sounded vaguely familiar, but then it was a … BBC continuity announcer sort of a voice, so he would sound familiar wouldn’t he? Did he sound familiar to you?”

“Perhaps,” James paused considering, “you think it might be someone we know?”

“Not so much know as someone we’ve nicked at some point, stands to reason, this has got to be someone who’s got a grudge, it couldn’t just be random because it’s both of us.” Robbie replied,

“No I suppose not. So, it’d have to be someone from one of our early cases, for them to be out. Or, I suppose it could be a relative which widens out the field so much more.”

 

**Twenty Years ago – age 17**

**Exam time was always a temptation. It would be so easy to get into the exam and then go back and check some facts. He’d done it once, right back at the start of his time at school, back when keeping the scholarship at any cost had seemed the most important thing. The feeling he got when he came top was one of those memories that had him waking up sweating and cringing in the middle of the night even now nearly a decade later. Better by far to just work really hard and know the answers that way. It was a temptation though. He’d set his heart on Cambridge. In many ways he’d have preferred Oxford, but that would have meant staying at home, no point getting accommodation when they lived so close, so Cambridge it was, but only if he got the grades he needed. Firmly he turned back to his books and his notes, it was a temptation but not one he was going to give into.**

 

They sat quietly for a few minutes and James thought hard about their early cases but it was a hopeless quest and his mind strayed onto the fact that there was something he could do, something that only he could do. He’d never tried it when someone else was so closely tied up in what he was trying to avoid and he knew from bitter experience that it so seldom worked, usually nothing changed, occasionally things changed markedly for the worse, suppose all that happened was that Robbie got thumped harder, or he did and he wasn’t able to be any help at all. Certainly whatever way he thought about it, it would feel like running out on _this_ Robbie, leaving him here on his own to face whichever nut case was doing this to them.

He'd never told anyone since that time at the seminary, since Father Peter but right at this moment he was giving serious thought to telling Robbie. Robbie who’d never shown the slightest inclination to believe anything out of the ordinary, look at his reaction to that medium, look at his reaction to the case with the fake medium a few years later. He’d be bound to think James had just lost his marbles and if James just disappeared, well then Robbie would just think he was losing his mind. And more to the point, if he told Robbie what he could do and managed to get him to believe then sooner or later the question would come, ‘why didn’t you save Val?’ and it was a question to which James still did not have a good answer. He cast about for something else to say, something to distract himself from blurting out the secret,

“Did you try breaking the window, I mean it’s not like we could get out, but we might be able to attract attention, it might be worth a shot?”

James could feel the shrug before Robbie spoke,

“I tried, it’s plastic or Perspex or something I couldn’t make any impression on it, we could have another go, I suppose.”

“No,” James replied, “having thought about it it’s probably best not to, just at the moment I suppose we should be glad we’ve just been left here, could be a lot worse.”

Robbie made a non-committal sort of noise and shoved up even closer to James’ side and James continued to speak,

“I mean, there’s time enough for desperate measures when we’re desperate.”

“You don’t think we’re desperate?” Robbie asked, “I mean we’re entirely at whoever this is’ mercy, there’s no way out and we don’t know when or if they’re coming back. I mean,” he continued his voice sounding tired and exasperated, “we can’t even sleep without leaving ourselves vulnerable if they come back. I really don’t like to think this could get worse but I know that it can and will.”

James wanted to put his arm round Robbie’s shoulders so badly that he could feel two sets of muscles straining against each other,

“I think,” he began, “that we don’t know what’s going to happen and assuming the worst is just going to leave us, I don’t know, paralysed, we’ve been in plenty of tight situations before and we’re still here to tell the story.”

James, hyperaware of the man next to him, could feel Robbie tense up even more for a second before he relaxed and leaned more heavily on him; putting his arm around Robbie at that point seemed the most natural thing in the world and James stopped fighting it. Robbie’s muscles tightened up again for an instant but then James was pleased to feel him relax into the embrace.

“I suppose so,” Robbie replied, his voice very slightly muffled, “I just can’t remember any of them right at this moment.” There was a long pause, “I can remember lots of times when one of us was somewhere and the other came to rescue them, but not many times when both of us were reliant on someone else.”

“No,” James agreed, “I remember you running into a burning house to get me and stopping me from running back in,” James would have continued but Robbie interrupted him,

“I remember you distracting a mad man with a gun who was just about to shoot me, point is I’d feel better if you were out of this,”

“I know what you mean,” James agreed, “but the two of us together should be a match for anyone.”

It was brave talk, and if whoever it was had done this was unarmed then James would indeed back the two of them, but even though they were (mostly) pure of heart, James didn’t think they would turn out to have the strength of ten men, or the ability to move faster than a speeding bullet. 

Robbie reached an arm round him and unspoken the two of them snuggled even closer together and James reflected on the fact that in all the times he’d let his mind run on such remote possibilities, doomed hadn’t been a part of the fantasy.

 

**Twelve Years ago – age 25**

**“You can do what?”**

**_Why on earth did I tell him_ , James thought, _what on earth was I thinking?_**

**“I can go back in time,” he stammered out, “I’ve been able to do it since I was tiny,”**

**Father Peter put up a hand and James stopped speaking, waiting for the priest to let him continue. Instead after a couple of moments Father Peter spoke instead,**

**“You can’t seriously mean that, come on James! I’ve never heard such a load of rubbish.”**

**James was determined, it had been a secret for far too long,**

**“No I really can, the first few times I didn’t know what was going on, I thought I’d dreamed the things that had happened and then woken up, but it’s true,”**

**Father Peter interrupted again,**

**“You really believe this?”**

**James nodded in confirmation and waited, with no idea what was going to happen next. It seemed like an age before Father Peter spoke again,**

**“I think you need to speak to someone.”**

**“I thought I was doing,” James replied swallowing convulsively**

**“You know what I mean,” he replied with a grimace, “James, you must know that this can’t be true, and if you don’t know that then you need … some help.”**

**It was the only thing James could do. It had been years but the curl of the mind that moved him was easy to fall back into. Not too far, he thought, just back to before he walked into Father Peter’s office. The feeling of dislocation and tiredness was familiar as was what James always thought of as the echo, watching himself walking into the room and knowing that when he walked along the corridor, knocked on the door and was called in that shadow of himself would not be there.**

 

After a minute or two Robbie sat straighter up and James moved his arm, feeling that the moment had passed. Robbie spoke,

“The best thing we could do would be to get some sleep.”

“Not sure that’s a good idea,” James replied, “it’d leave us a bit more vulnerable than I would like.” He thought for a moment, “we could sleep in shifts I guess,”

“Aye, but that means that most likely only one of us will actually be rested, what if we move so that we’re leaning on the door then we’ll get time to wake ourselves up before whoever it is gets in here, what do you think?”

“It seems like a good idea,” James replied, “shall we repair to the other side of the room?”

James stood up, not completely without difficulty, he’d been sat on the floor for a while, and stretched down a hand to help Robbie up. Robbie took the proffered hand without comment and James had to slightly brace as Robbie pulled himself up.

“Not as young as I used to be,” Robbie commented as he dusted himself off,

“None of us are,” James agreed, “we’ll both do better if we get a bit of a rest.”

It wasn’t exactly a long walk and there wasn’t a graceful way of dropping to the floor, but when Robbie had sat back down he held up his arm to indicate that James should sit right up to him and James couldn’t see a good reason to refuse so he sat with Robbie’s arm round him, slumped a little more than was comfortable so that Robbie could get his arm round his shoulders and fought the feeling of coming home.

They sat like that for a long time and James would have liked to have thought that Robbie was going to sleep but he could tell that sleep was far away from his boss, so he wasn’t surprised when Robbie spoke,

“I can’t really tell you what it was like when we tracked you down and then got there and saw the flames. I’d known as soon as we heard that uniform had lost you that, well that he’d got you, and … all I could think was what I’d said to you that afternoon, how I’d told you to go away, how I’d not listened …”

James had to interrupt,

“You were right to say it all, you really were, there was no excuse for how I behaved on that case, none at all. Hell, you’d have been right to be pissed at me just for the lack of trust I showed, you shouldn’t see it that way at all.”

“No,” Robbie disagreed, “I wasn’t seeing you, I was still tied up with me own worries and grief and I didn’t properly see you, I should have made you stand away from the case, Innocent said as much, it was a shocking failure on my part.”

“I took great care that you shouldn’t see me,” James said, wanting to make it clear that there was no failing on Robbie’s part, “and I’m good at hiding things.”

“Lots of practice?” Robbie asked and there in the gathering darkness, James wondered not for the first time about telling Robbie about it all. He wanted to tell Robbie about the things that had happened at Crevecoeur, about the seminary, about the trek to Santiago but he was frightened, frightened that if he started he wouldn’t be able to stop with those things, that he might talk about things that would either revolt Robbie or make him think that James had lost his marbles. Robbie seemed to sense his difficulties and spoke again,

“Why don’t we make it a rule, what we say in here stays in here, all forgotten about when we get ourselves out? I know there’s things I haven’t said, things I haven’t told you, and I’m betting there are things you haven’t said as well. Let me make amends for not listening to you back then, let me listen now.”

James took a deep breath, resisted the temptation to tell Robbie that he’d made amends by running into a burning building and began to speak.

“Sometimes I feel like I’ve been hiding my whole life,” James said, “well, right up until I started working with you really, I’ve hidden so much less of myself since then, I can’t tell you.” This was met with a silence so deep that James felt like he could hear Robbie’s heartbeat never mind his own. As the silence lengthened he was mentally beating himself for taking Robbie at his word, he should have known to keep his mouth shut. He was on the point of starting to apologise when Robbie finally broke the silence,

“Eh, canny lad, I don’t know what to say, ye’ never need to hide from me, there’s nothing ye’ can say that will alter how I feel about ye’”

James was astonished to hear the emotion in Robbie’s voice, and he moved closer to Robbie and tightened his hold on him,

“Thing is,” James began, “I’m not sure that’s true. There’s something I have to tell you and either you’ll not believe me, think I’m sectionable, or you’ll hate me. I’m really not sure there’s any other response possible. Are you sure you want me to tell you?”

There was a long pause and James tried to be pleased that at least Robbie was actually thinking about it, not just giving him a stock answer, but really what he was thinking was, that if Robbie chose not to hear it James would be horribly disappointed; he really wanted Robbie to know.

“Is it about your personal life?” Robbie asked, it wasn’t the question James had been expecting at all and it took him a moment to put together a response,

“No, not if you mean is it about my sexuality or anything like that.”

“Good,” Robbie replied, “I’d hate to think that you don’t know me well enough to know that whoever you fancy it wouldn’t bother me.” He stopped speaking but as he still hadn’t answered the question, James continued to wait until Robbie spoke again, “When you turned out with that copy of Loaded and the Yorkie Bar, was I supposed to interpret that as you being straight?” he asked. James had expected this question for years and over those years he’d had a number of stock answers to the question, none of which seemed quite right for this time and this place and this conversation,

“You were supposed to interpret it that way, but it’s not that simple,”

“These things never are,” Robbie said, “I don’t believe anyone’s one hundred percent anything. I know I’m not.”

It was said casually, but James was holding the man tight and could feel the tension and it seemed like he could still feel the ghost of Robbie’s lips on the nape of his neck,

“I think you’re right,” James agreed, pausing while he tried to put words to his never thoroughly thought through views on the subject, “it’s always seemed to me that, I don’t know, making your mind up before you’re in a particular situation, is … presumptuous, if you know what I mean,”

Robbie laughed for a moment,

“Aye, lad, I know what you mean. Back then, when you,” James could hear the emphasis on the pronoun, “hadn’t caught Monkford yet and it still felt like I might see Val round every corner, I, well I couldn’t think about anyone like that, and then later well, yeah, it would have seemed weird to decide to fancy anyone, who’d want me, for pity’s sake?”

“Laura wanted you, that was obvious,” James replied,

“Did she?” Robbie asked, “I’m not sure whether she did or she didn’t, _she_ was never sure whether she did or she didn’t,”

James interrupted,

“Is that why she didn’t come back from New Zealand?”

“Sort of,” Robbie replied, “we had a great time and being together was … good, but it was always kind of low-key for both of us, and when I had to make a decision, it was too low-key to make it seem like a good idea to move to the other side of the world, away from the grandkids,” he paused again before clearing his throat and continuing, “away from Oxford and you and the job.”

James wasn’t fooled by his position in that list and the jolt of adrenaline that seemed to hit him straight in the kidneys at the words made him feel breathless. Part of him didn’t want to ask but he couldn’t seem to help himself,

“Me?”

“Yeah, you,” Robbie confirmed, “surely you know that?”

“No,” James said, “not really, not so much ‘know’ as ‘hope’, I suppose,”

“God, it’s a relief to hear you say that,” Robbie said and James could hear the smile in his voice, “It seemed like a lot to lay on you all of a sudden, I mean,” he clarified, “you’re not the only reason I came back and you’re not the reason Laura didn’t but the more I was away from you the less good I felt, the more uneasy I was and,”

“And you’d have stuck by Laura, but she found someone else,”

“I don’t want you to think that you were the second choice,” Robbie said, interrupting, “you weren’t,”

“I didn’t think I was,” James replied, “I just know you well enough to know that you wouldn’t have walked away from Laura, you’re just too loyal for that, it’s one of the things I like most about you, your loyalty and your decency. Not many people who’ve been in the job as long as you have manage to keep that. People get slapdash, but you never do. I saw that right back at the start. It made me feel so much better, I knew I could work hard on a case and not be made fun of for it, it was such a bloody relief after working with some of the old time-servers.”

“Thanks for that, lad, I’m glad you understand, and, am I right to interpret ‘hope’ with hope?”

James turned his head slightly and gently kissed Robbie’s jaw, just below his ear,

“Does that answer your question?”

“Yeah, and it makes me even more determined that we get out of here,” Robbie replied.

It seemed to James that his entire brain was rearranging itself to accommodate all the new information, it seemed very strange to feel so elated when they were in this situation. A situation that they had to get out of and as soon as possible. 

 

**Six years ago – age 31**

**They were too bloody late. She hadn’t been fully buried when they got there but apparently it had been enough, the ambulance man had talked about status asthmaticus brought on by the shock and the soil. James listened but he couldn’t really take it in, he couldn’t drag his focus away from Robbie from the look on his face, from the memory of Robbie trying over and over to breathe life into her, while James did chest compressions, Robbie having to be pulled away from her by the paramedic. And then there was Laura, she looked so tiny, so perfectly still. She hadn’t deserved this, she’d done nothing wrong except, perhaps being an awful picker of friends.**

**James thought carefully about when he needed to go back to. They only needed a couple of minutes extra, just to be there a couple of minutes earlier. In the end he went for when they’d arrived at Laura’s house, jumping back to them getting to the house and ensuring that he found the uniform at the back of the house that bit quicker.**

**It had been enough, just barely, but enough and if later James often pondered the consequences of his jump, well, she was still alive and he hadn’t had to see that look on Robbie’s face.**

 

James pushed himself slightly away from Robbie and then, ignoring the very slight sound of protest, he got up.

“We really do need to get out of here,” he said and even in the near total darkness he knew Robbie was looking at him and he could imagine the expression on his face, “we need to talk about all of this and more than talk about it and I’m not doing that here, not after all this time,”

“No I suppose not,” Robbie replied, “I can think of far better places,” and James heard rather than saw him get up and come to stand next to him, “the door do you think?”

“Seems like the obvious choice,” James said moving in the direction that he thought it was in, hand in front of his face, so as not to just walk into the wall. As he’d expected he’d lost some of his sense of direction in the dark and had to feel his way along the wall until he got to the door. After a moment’s thought kicking it seemed like the way to go, shoulder charging doors looked much better on the box than it ever felt in real life, and he began to seriously lay into it without making any noticeable impression on the bloody thing.

“I reckon,” Robbie said, “that it might go better if you sat on the floor and kicked from there,” James could see what he meant,

“Should be able to bring the long muscles to bear on it you mean?”

“Aye, something like that,” Robbie agreed, “no use wasting all those muscles you’ve built up rowing,”

James filed away, for future discussion, the fact that Robbie seemed to have been thinking about his muscles, the thought was like a warming arm around his shoulder. He lowered himself to the floor and scooted forward to make sure that he was in the right place, not kicking the wall instead of the door and then shifted back until he estimated that his feet would reach the door with their maximum force when he straightened his legs but before he could start Robbie spoke again,

“The only trouble is that we might attract attention,”

James knew that he meant attention from their captor, not the kind of attention that might get someone to call the police,

“What do you reckon, stop every so often and see what we can hear? So that we can be prepared for someone coming in?”

James was less sure that there was anyone’s attention to attract. In the chunks of time he’d had to think he’d speculated on the fact that they weren’t in any way tied up or restrained. Certainly if he’d been planning on coming back he would have made sure that he could get back into the room without any nasty surprises. James was beginning to be sure that whoever had done this wasn’t planning on coming back any time soon. He didn’t want to set Robbie off thinking on those lines though, so he followed through, ten good solid kicks and then a pause of thirty seconds, over and over until he was panting heavily and his legs felt like lead. In the next pause Robbie spoke,

“Do you feel like you’re making any impression?” he asked,

“Honestly? I can’t say that I do. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s reinforced in some way. It seems like this was fully planned,”

“And at that rate, they’re probably not coming back any time soon,” Robbie said,

“I should have known better than think you wouldn’t have realised that,” James said, “you’re right, I think we’re here for a while.”

Robbie sat down next to him and reached a hand to rest on James’ thigh, “Move over,” he said, “let me have a go, you must be knackered,”

There was nothing to be gained by arguing, even though James was more than a little concerned that Robbie would hurt himself so James slid to the right and Robbie slipped to the floor next to him,

“I’ll need to shift a bit closer,” Robbie said, “you’ve got such ridiculously long legs,”

James laughed,

“Yes, but I do in fact have a very short body, it’s often been remarked on,”

“Often?” Robbie asked before he began to kick out at the door,

“Well, not that often actually,” James replied when Robbie paused in his assault on the woodwork, “but once or twice.”

“Your short body was certainly not what first drew my attention,” Robbie said and continued to kick out ten, fifteen times before he paused for them both to listen, “that was your giant intellect, obviously,”

It struck James how deeply strange the world could be, here they were, what could only be described as flirting and in some respects James felt so much better than he had in years and yet they were in this disastrous situation, the whole thing seemed to make his head spin and yet he still couldn’t get the smile off his face,

“My giant intellect, eh? Not the fact that I was a cheeky bugger, or a smartarse or a walking encyclopaedia?” 

Robbie distinctly paused before he replied and in the gap James could hear his slightly laboured breathing,

“No, none of those things,” Robbie said in a much more serious tone of voice, “never any of those things, I’m sorry, bonny lad,”

“What on earth for?” James asked, genuinely wondering what Robbie was on about,

“Sorry that you got called those things, sorry that so many people have had a go at you over the years,”

“None of that was your fault,” James said, moving to Robbie’s side, “you’re the one that more or less stopped all that, what do you have to apologise for? I can’t believe I’m the one saying this, but I think we should both stop apologising!”

“Yeah, that is a bit rich but I’m not apologising, ye’ daft sod, I’m just sorry that you had to have all that, that’s all,” he said as he leaned on James and snaked an arm round his waist.

James shifted slightly so that if there’d been any light he would have been looking into Robbie’s eyes,

“I’d really like,” he began, nerves making his voice higher pitched than usual, “to kiss you right now, would that be all right?”

Robbie didn’t answer, he just reached up, his aim spot on and cupped James’ cheek and James closed the distance between their lips. 

He’d thought about this so many times, and this wasn’t close to how he pictured kissing Robbie Lewis but it still was what it was, Robbie’s lips against his, Robbie’s strong warm hands slipping down to his neck, Robbie’s stubble rasping against his skin. James slightly opened his mouth, wanting more of Robbie, turning more towards him as the kiss deepened.

Eventually, breathing became an issue for both of them and they broke apart slightly. James drew in a shuddering breath and rested his head against Robbie’s shoulder as Robbie pulled him into a close hug. Robbie spoke,

“We’re not getting out of here any time soon are we?”

James turned his head slightly and kissed Robbie’s neck before he replied,

“Not through this door, anyhow.”

Robbie sighed,

“I can’t believe we’ve finally got to this point and we’re stuck here and not able to,” he paused for a moment, apparently not able to come up with the words he wanted. James pulled him closer, 

“We’ll have plenty of time, we’re not going to be stuck in here, we’ll find a way out.”

“You reckon,” Robbie said, “wish I shared your confidence, pet. But we must have been at this door, between us for the best part of half an hour and I don’t know about you but I can’t detect any sign that it’s weakening, it feels like kicking solid bloody stone.”

“I’m sure we’d have heard something if they’d bricked us in,” James said, trying for levity but unable to quite pull it off, “I mean I know I was a bit out of it but you’d have heard something, wouldn’t you?”

“I think I would,” he replied, “but honestly I was a bit distracted by checking that you were ok. Not so distracted that I could have missed building work, though and even then, whatever they built wouldn’t be up to much, I reckon it’s just something bloody big and heavy up against that door. Quiet as it was though, it’s more indication of how well all this was planned. It’s not looking good, canny lad.”

James warmed though he was by ‘canny lad’ couldn’t but agree,

“No, it’s not looking ideal. Do you think we’d have more chance of getting through the wall?”

“Doubt it,” Robbie replied, “this place is bloody well kept up, unfortunately, shame we had to get stuck with opposition who know the importance of good joinery and masonry.”

“I bet they watch ‘Grand Designs’ and ‘Restoration Man’ religiously,” said James,

“Oh aye? They your guilty pleasure, man?”

“Perhaps,” said James, “It’s amazing what some people want to live in.”

“I’ve no room to speak,” said Robbie, “how many times have I flit over the last few years, can’t seem to settle to any of them. Certainly never wanted a period bloody farmhouse,”

“No, I’ve rather gone off country living myself, this last few hours,” James agreed.

“We should probably try and get some sleep,” Robbie said, “which corner do you fancy?”

“Whichever one you’re in,” James answered at once, “Even if it’s just this once I’d like to fall asleep with you, wake up together, what do you say?”

“It won’t be just this once, James, we’ll get out of here, honestly we will,”

“No, probably not,” James agreed, “over there? Farthest away from the door?”

“Aye,” Robbie said, “if you’re sure that one of us doesn’t need to keep watch.”

“I doubt if either of us will sleep particularly deeply, even with our unaccustomed exercise for the last hour.”

 

**Twenty-Eight Years ago – age 9**

**James has done ‘it’ a few times now, always when something awful happened. After the first couple of times he had to accept that what he was doing was skipping back in time. It seemed like if he wanted it badly enough (wanting not to have broken the cabinet in the front parlour, wanting not to have upset his dad, really wanting not to have gone to the summerhouse with his Lordship) then he would go back and have the opportunity to not do whatever it was. What he really didn’t understand was that most of the time it didn’t make any difference. The cabinet had still got broken even if it wasn’t him that did it. His dad had still been angry even if it was about something else. But he hadn’t gone to the summerhouse and that seemed to be OK. What he was wondering now was whether he could control it or not, could he go back when it wasn’t an emergency? Instinctively he felt that it was a dangerous thing he could do, what would happen if there were really two of him in the same place? So he needed a way to try things out but be sure that he didn’t end up in the same place.**

**James had spent a lot of time thinking about the times when he’d done it and each time he realised that he’d had a very clear idea of when he wanted to go back to: before he’d gone into the parlour, before he’d gone into the barn, before he’d done something stupid.**

**Now he’d decided to experiment. If this was a thing then it was important to find out how it worked.**

**He’d taken his mother’s kitchen timer. He was going to walk into his bedroom wait for exactly five minutes and then he was going to try to get back to before he walked along the landing, so that he could see his ‘ghostly self’ (that was how he thought about it when he saw himself when he jumped) walk into the room. He’d left a piece of paper at the top of the stairs and he was going to focus on that.**

**It didn’t work, and it continued not to work, right up until James got thoroughly annoyed about the whole thing. Then it worked.**

**I’ve learned something, he thought, I need to really want it…**

 

They settled for the corner farthest away from the door, it seemed only sensible. When James had pictured (and he would have hated to admit how often he had pictured it) settling down to sleep with Robbie Lewis it hadn’t been a bit like this, his fantasies had always had for instance a bed and never the threat of death. In particular, though he’d thought that he would be able to sleep. In reality though his desire to protect Robbie far outweighed his desire to sleep and he couldn’t relax enough for fear that if he slept he might be too late to do whatever was needed to look after him. He kept still, hoping that Robbie would manage some sleep but his brain just wouldn’t switch off. _It’s going to be a long night_ he thought.

What he thought about most was doing ‘it’, that he could get them out of this, possibly and there was the problem, he could only possibly get them out of this. His first instinct was to go back to just as he got to the farmhouse, go into the situation ready to fight and then it would be just a matter of getting Robbie out of this bloody room and into safety. If he won the fight, if the place he’d driven to was this place, if the bloke that had thumped him was on his own, if, if, if. He’d never tried to go back to undo something quite as vital as this and his experience told him that it so seldom worked the way he wanted it to.

And there was another issue, what about Robbie? What about _this_ Robbie, the one who in James’ imagination would be stuck here, like a fly in amber or who would melt away like the ghost images of himself that James always saw? It was a question he’d asked himself before now. He sort of knew what happened to him, the him that had done it all those times, but what about the other people, what would happen to this Robbie? James couldn’t like the idea of _this_ man, who had kissed him and been kissed, who had admitted how he felt about James, just disappearing into nothingness or stuck here, scared and cold and uncomfortable.

When Robbie spoke it startled James badly,

“What’re you thinking about?” Robbie asked,

When James’ heartrate was down to normal he replied,

“Not a lot, just can’t seem to switch off,” it was of course an evasion, but he couldn’t tell Robbie what he was actually thinking, he’d tried telling someone once before, it had been a mistake.

“There’s more than that,” Robbie said, “there’s been something specific that’s been in your mind right from the start,” Robbie paused and then went on, “either you’re still blaming yourself for all this, which is stupid, or you’ve got a crazy, dangerous plan for getting out of this, in which case I want to hear it.” Robbie tightened his grip slightly on James and James knew that he meant it for reassurance.

“Crazy and dangerous,” James said, quietly, and he could feel Robbie becoming more alert, muscles tightening, ready to do what was asked of him, it made James smile to know that Robbie was prepared to have a go at whatever it was, even if it was crazy and dangerous. “Sorry,” he continued, “I’m all out of crazy and dangerous, honestly.”

“Really?” Robbie asked, “Because I’ve been watching you for a while now and I think I know the signs of you coming up with an idea and that’s what I’ve got now, you with an idea that you think I’m going to go spare about. Come on, lad, spit it out.”

James wanted to tell him. He wanted to tell him everything, he wanted to offer what he could do as a possibility and then be talked out of it so that he wouldn’t have to leave Robbie here on his own with no guarantee that he wouldn’t be making things worse. He knew what would most likely happen though, Robbie would make a joke of it and James would be able to hear or at least think he could hear Robbie trying to humour him in case he actually believed it.

Robbie spoke again,

“There’s nothing you can tell me, after what we’ve already said to each other today that can be that difficult is there?”

“Loads of things,” James replied, “I could be going to confess to the affair I’ve been having with Alec Hooper for the last five years, I could be going to tell you that I’m the love child of a famous actor, I could be going to tell you anything!”

Robbie chuckled,

“You could, but I doubt it, although I like the one about Alec, it makes me feel like while we might be the odd couple, we won’t be the oddest possible couple.” It was James’ turn to laugh quietly before Robbie went on, “But what I like most is that I reckon you’ve already decided to say something, so come on, tell me your plan.”

James took a deep breath, thinking that he could always he supposed go back to before they had this conversation if necessary,

“It’s not exactly a plan,” he began, “it may be a way out of here but most probably you’ll just write it off to the fact that that was a much harder blow to the head than either of us thought.”

Robbie didn’t speak, probably not wanting to interrupt James thought, he just waited and eventually James continued,

“Don’t stop me until I’ve said all of this, please. I can travel back in time and I’ve been wondering if I could go back to when I arrived at the house and do something different that means we don’t both end up in here. Except that it doesn’t always work how I think it will work and most times it doesn’t make much difference to what happens and now you’ll think I’m mad and you’re picturing having to visit me at the funny farm on Sundays to take me out for a bit if I haven’t been too mental during the week, admit it.”

There was a long pause before Robbie spoke,

“Travel in time? Go back in time?”

“Yes, I told you you’d think I was insane,” James replied,

“Well,” Robbie began, “I’ve got to say that it’s not what I was expecting, but no I don’t think you’re insane, but,” James could hear Robbie catching a breath, “you can really do that? I mean, have you done that, would I know?”

James felt relief surge through him, Robbie’s response was so much better than it could have been, he didn’t quite believe James, he could tell that but neither was he humouring him or shouting ‘burn the witch!’. James took a moment to think about his answer, but finally took a deep breath,

“I don’t know whether you’d know, and that’s as much as anything why I’m reluctant to try it. I don’t know what would happen to you, I mean this you, would you still be stuck here, except I’d have left you on your own, would you just … blink out of existence … or most likely, I am insane and I just think I can do these things. I don’t want to lose you, this you, what we’ve said, what we’ve done since we’ve been here but I don’t want you slowly dying of dehydration either, or whatever else this nutcase has got in mind for us.”

“Can’t say as how I want that either,” Robbie replied, “have you never talked to anyone about this? I mean people who might be able to clarify the ‘blink out of existence’ bit? No, I don’t suppose you have, that wouldn’t work would it, sorry stupid question. Have you talked to anyone about this?”

“I told my confessor at the seminary and then I had to do ‘it’ afterwards, after his reaction to what I’d said,”

“Not the fish pie, then?” Robbie asked,

“No,” James confirmed with a smile at Robbie’s phenomenal memory, “not the fish pie, I just didn’t seem to feel like I could stay afterwards, it just seemed wrong.”

“Are you going to feel like that about me, us, whatever if you do this now?”

“No, but really you have to understand, it doesn’t always work, I mean I can always do it, but more often than not I don’t … achieve what I set out to achieve, I may not be able to make the situation any better, I might make it worse.”

“Couldn’t you just go back and have another go, I mean if it doesn’t work?”

“I suppose I could, I’ve never tried that,”

“It’d be like Groundhog Day,” Robbie mused and James could hear the smile that it was far too dark to see, “Do you see yourself? Is that how it works?”

“I see a sort of echo of myself, what I did the first time, like a ghost, I’ve wondered if that’s where ghost sightings come from, I mean after all I can’t be the only one who can do this.”

“Did you,” James could hear Robbie swallow in the silence of the room, “have you ever done this with our cases?”

James was relieved that Robbie hadn’t asked him about Val, it was sure to occur to him at some point but James was glad that point wasn’t now,

“Just once.”

“Should I ask?”

James wasn’t sure how to frame his response, how to express what he’d done and felt but eventually he managed,

“When those two took Laura, well, the first time we didn’t get there in time and I couldn’t stand it, couldn’t stand the look in your eyes, couldn’t stand to see her so still, I mean I know she’s tiny, objectively but that night … so I did it, and … the next time we were in time.”

“So it works out sometimes?” Robbie asked in a thickened voice, “I mean you wouldn’t keep doing it if it never accomplished anything, would you?”

“No, but…”

Robbie interrupted him,

“You said about making things worse or not managing to change things sometimes?” Robbie asked,

“Well, the first time I ever did this, well I broke something at home, something I should have been nowhere near and I just really, really wished I could go back and not go into that room and suddenly I was back at the top of the stairs watching a ghost of me going into the room. But a few days later the cabinet still got broken, and certainly it seemed to me like it got broken in the same way. And then there was what happened to Paul.”

“Paul?” Robbie asked, “Paul from Crevecoeur?”

“Yes, Paul from Crevecoeur. This is hard, I feel guilty about this. Paul wasn’t Augustus’ first choice, leastways I don’t think he was, I think I was.”

“What makes you think that?” Robbie asked and James could hear the tension in his voice that he always got when Crevecoeur was mentioned, 

“I mean Augustus gave me a ‘piano lesson’ and I wished myself back, wished that I hadn’t gone and for the longest time I thought that at least had been successful, but then we were there at Crevecoeur and we found out about Paul and Bryony, I got myself out but I left them there,”

Robbie interrupted,

“Still doesn’t make it your fault, you’re in no way responsible for that bastard, how old were you? Eight, nine, ten? You did what you needed to do in a bad situation, no one could fault you for that and you shouldn’t fault yourself.”

“That’s easier said than done,” James replied, 

“I’ll keep reminding you that none of it was your fault,” Robbie said,

“Yes, but that’s the thing, you won’t because if I do this thing then one way or another, whether it ‘works’ or not we won’t have this conversation, you won’t know there’s anything to remind me of.”

There was a long pause until Robbie moved again, pulling James back against him so that James could feel the warmth of his body, and kissing his cheek,

“Then you must tell me, so that I do know, promise me that, don’t leave me not knowing this, be brave for me bonny lad, make the first move, because I hate to admit this but I’m not sure I’d ever have said anything without we were in this situation. Be brave for me, like you always have been, OK love?”

Nothing would have stopped James kissing Robbie at that point, and he had to admit to himself that if he hadn’t been worried about whoever it was coming back he would probably not have stopped with just kissing. Eventually though he pulled away from Robbie and stood up,

“I wish I could see you,” Robbie said,

“It’s probably easier if you can’t,” James replied, “I don’t know if I could go and leave you if you were looking at me, I don’t know if I can even without,”

“You have to, pet, go on.”

 

**The last time – age 37**

**There was the usual feeling of dislocation. James had tried for what seemed like hours to work out when to go back to. His first reaction had been to go back to just before he went and knocked on the door, then he’d wondered about stopping Robbie even getting in the situation and going back to the station but he knew from past experience that the more he ‘travelled’ the harder it was to change things so he’d gone back to his original idea. Go to the door, subdue first, ask questions later when he’d freed Robbie and if it turned out he was being held somewhere else, well then, he’d have to be … persuasive to get the information. He had something to fight for after all, he had to do what Robbie had told him.**


End file.
